Thinking about masturbation. If not you should be.For single people, masturbation is not only socially acceptable these days, but expected. This is especially true when it comes to single men, though women, too, are more open to masturbation today than several decades ago when concepts of female sexuality were much more restrictive. Masturbation is now believed by most to be a healthy way for single people to satisfy sexual needs without exposing themselves to sexually transmitted infections and unwanted pregnancies.

Another noted benefit of masturbation is that you can learn what you like so you can show future partners how to best satisfy you. Self-pleasuring also has proven health benefits. According to Women’s Health Network, regular masturbation—or “self-cultivation”—reduces the risk of cervical infections, improves cardiovascular health, lowers the risk of Type 2 Diabetes and strengthens the pelvic floor. Furthermore, the hormones involved during a woman’s climax—dopamine, oxytocin and endorphins—help relieve stress and calm the body, making for better sleep patterns. The health benefits of regular masturbation are not limited to women, either. It’s long been known that regular masturbation has similar positive effects on men and can even help reduce the risk of prostate cancer.

Still, the taboo of self-pleasuring while in a relationship is strong in our society. This has a lot to do with the misguided notion that a healthy committed relationship is one in which your partner satisfies all your sexual needs. To many people, women especially, the thought of their partner masturbating is a sign that they are not adequately satisfying their partner, which can cause feelings of inadequacy, guilt, jealousy and shame.

Popular media doesn’t help in this matter, either. Numerous television shows and movies about married couples have touched on the subject. The most common scenario is a wife discovering that her husband masturbates and then proceeds to try to either shame him or confide in her female friends, who sympathize with her feelings that there must be something wrong in the bedroom or with her husband. Ask any marriage counselor and you’re sure to find that this is a common scenario in real life marriages as well.

But masturbating while in a committed relationship doesn’t have to spell trouble. In fact, it’s still a healthy and beneficial practice for people in relationships. The health benefits of regular masturbation remain the same, as do the emotional benefits of staying in tune with your body by maintaining the habit of “self-cultivation,” especially as your body and sexual desires change over time. Masturbation is also a healthy part of a couple’s sex life because, as WebMD points out, within most relationships there is usually a “higher frequency partner” and a “lower frequency partner.” As a result, it’s unrealistic to think that their sexual needs will always be in sync. And by trying to force synchronicity—pressuring one partner to have more sex or the other to have less—they’re only asking for problems. Masturbation takes the pressure off of couples to be each other’s everything, and thus can help minimize feelings of guilt and resentment.

Psych Central reports that people masturbate for all sorts of reasons that have nothing to do with their partners. This includes relieving stress and/or being aroused and not wanting to go through the whole process of having sex. According to Psychology Today, there is little evidence to support the notion that the more someone masturbates the less they will desire “actual” sex with their partner. In fact, the opposite has been shown, proving that masturbation can often be “an integral behavior in the sexual repertoire for many who already have satisfying sex lives.”Even people in relationship masturbate

That said, if a person feels insecure about his or her partner self-pleasuring, there are bound to be problems, and this insecurity needs to be addressed. Insecurities surrounding a partner’s masturbation habits are more prevalent in women with male partners, and the insecurities are further exacerbated when pornography is involved.

Indeed, many women who are otherwise tolerant of their male partners masturbating can feel threatened by the presence of porn. The fact that the man in her life is getting off on looking at other naked women can make a woman feel as though she’s being compared to these women and falling short. She can start to wonder if she’s not pretty enough, if she’s not kinky enough. What many women don’t understand, however, is the fact that their partners are looking at porn is not necessarily a referendum on their relationship. In fact, porn consumption can be a completely healthy part of one’s sex life—for both men and women alike.

Dr. Kat Van Kirk, resident sexologist at Adam and Eve, stated in a recent blog post that porn is only really problematic if it’s disrupting one’s life. She will often ask patients who complain about their partner’s porn consumption whether watching porn is making him miss work or causing financial distress. Perhaps the most important sign that porn is really a problem is if it has effectively replaced intimacy between the couple. Porn addiction, Dr. Kirk points out, is certainly a real thing, but the mere enjoyment of porn doesn’t have to spell trouble. In fact, couples might even want to consider watching porn together and treat it as an educational experience to discover new positions and techniques to try together.

As with all aspects of an intimate relationship, masturbation is an activity that should be openly discussed and boundaries concerning what is acceptable and healthy should be set. Of course, it’s unrealistic to think you can or should control your partner’s fantasy life, but you want to let your partner know where you stand when it comes to how your partner expresses his or her fantasies. You might be okay, for instance, with your partner masturbating while looking at erotic images or porn, but draw the line at phone sex or cyber sex with a stranger. By setting boundaries beforehand, you can nip potential problems in the bud. But more importantly, taking any opportunity to discuss where you stand on issues of personal and mutual intimacy will only help you become more open and trusting with one another, which makes for a stronger relationship overall.