Yay, more about masturbation! As promised. And I had a thousand other things I wanted to say since the last post, but I’m keeping good notes. Stay tuned, because shit’s gonna get CRAZY soon. This is one bandwagon where you want a good seat.
I believe we covered (thoroughly) the WHY of masturbation and also WHY it should evolve, but now let’s get into the good stuff. Maybe a bit on the HOW?
What are the things that are likely to stay the same? Location, time of day, length of time spent, atmosphere, position, technique, thought process… etc.
You can shift all these variables around with your own, solid imagination, and of course I don’t doubt you, but let me flatter myself that I can give you a few ideas…
1. Move to a different room, a different piece of furniture or to the floor.
That’s a duh. Annoying at first but an easy step to start. You would have sex a number of places, right? Why shouldn’t you have self- sex in a variety of places too?
2. If your eyes are usually open, close them. If vice versa, vice versa.
When you close your eyes, you move sensation out of your eyeballs, duh. Now that attention doesn’t just evaporate, it GOES somewhere. You may find that you are able to bring awareness to the places in your body where you may be feeling pleasure. As this happens, you may also notice where you are tense, or basically, where pleasure ISN’T going. If you tend towards stiff posture, tense muscles, hunching, cramping or straining while having sex or self- sex, practice more fluidity with your breath. (I hate sounding like a damn yoga teacher but I’m doing what I can here. Just roll with it.)
It’s likely that all the clamped-upness is brought on by a lack of breathing which in turn is brought on by either too much or too little sensation. Being over or underwhelmed sexually makes us act like funky control freaks and it comes out first in our muscular reactions. (‘Oooh, ok, over here, ugh, like this. I can make this work’ or alternately ‘Aackkk! Eeek eek eek! Too much too much too much!’) Both instances would be much improved simply by breathing. So, well, pranayama that shit you little yoga sluts.
Fluidity of breath: Check your jaw, shoulders, belly, hips, quads, hands and feet for signs of tension. If you’re not sure, think through your body deliberately softening and loosening the muscles, not asking if they’re straining or not. Does this make you lose some intensity? Men, maybe you’re not as hard as a moment before or you lose your erection and women, does the tingle go out of the dingle? Probably. What you’ve been doing is funneling your energy and attention to what amounts to a pinpoint of nerves over the entirety of your body. This also means that you don’t need as much or as high quality of touching to get you off. Snore.Here’s the task- stay relaxed but alert to tension trying to sneak back in, keep doing what you’re doing, and BREATHE. It may take a moment. It may take a few moments. It may take a few sessions, but what will happen, and I predict sooner than later, is that the sensation will come back more intensely and you will feel it over more of your body. If you’ve never tried this before, this may be one of your first ‘holy shit’ orgasms.
Tip: don’t ‘chase’ the sensation around your body, trying to trap it in that place that will make you (lightly) orgasm the most quickly. Watch it move, evading and approaching your hands or toys or whatever you’re using… Feel it slide through your belly and your back and your temples and your heart… Let it go where it wants, moving like an electric pulse… It will cycle around, healing and settling in the places in your body where you need it. All that’s required is a modicum of patience (says THE most impatient woman on the planet). The payback is substantial I promise. Sigh.Yes, I nerd out on sex.
Back to eyes closed-or-open. If your eyes are usually closed, try watching your body. Notice how you move, the way your muscles slide under your skin, what your toes do. Just watch. Take a new perspective. This was a rough one for me. I didn’t want to see the rolls on my belly or stretch marks on my hips or my pale skin or veins. I didn’t want to see cellulite or ingrown hairs. I wanted to be away from my body, not in it. Tough shit, honey. All that ‘gross’ stuff is what you’re MADE of. Avoidance is not the path to self- love. And it’s not gross. It’s life. I can’t apologize for being a glorified, organized cluster of cells. That shit is miraculous. You might as well be a constellation but I’m not totally sure that constellations can have orgasms like we do. Rad. So. Fucking. Rad.3. If you never vocalize by yourself (or with a lover), try it.
Again. We’d like to engage new senses. What does it do to HEAR yourself feeling pleasure (that you’ve created)? Ladies, this is a good one when we know that we are programed to make noises to help our partners finish up… does it actually helpyou too? Are you a growler? A howler? A hummer? Cooer? Some people don’t do much of that but sure are fans of the dirty talk. Can you dirty talk yourself? There is at least one dog in this house who wonders who the fuck that girl is talking to. Also it’s good practice for when other- lover ears are nearby. Saucy.
4. Change the strumming pattern.
Circle one way? Circle the other. Mostly use up stroke pressure? Use down. This just takes a conscious effort. The movement will be less focused, therefore bringing more attention to a greater area of skin. Always a good thing.
When you use the other it confuses the brain. You may notice your awareness flipping between new hand and whatever is being touched in an unfamiliar sort of way… kind of like a stranger is touching you… mmm a stranger…
6. One hand?
You know what I’m gonna say. People sometimes forget that they too can give themselves an ‘all over’ feeling even without their doting, attentive lover. Soften the touch, spread your hands and fingers over more surface area and chill there for a little while.
7. Do you use toys? Regular ol’ lube?
Try household objects and food. I loved a guy for awhile who never wanted me to use toys. He wanted proof of a more creative mind. Half the work is done for you when you roll into the little sex shop looking for tools designed for the job. Change it up. Even mild can feel super naughty and your options are infinite… Olive oil. Coconut oil. Peanut butter. Avocados. Pie. Honey. Carrots. Figs. (Dammit I love figs) Grapes. Cucumber. Choose things that are messy and cumbersome and totally extraneous if we were just ‘trying to get off’. Because we’re not, are we? Masturbation is no more a utilitarian experience than partner sex. You have a dirty mind. Act on it. What’s gonna happen? You might need to wash your sheets more often. But you’ll smile washing em.
8. Mostly cozy in your little bed?
Make yourself stand in the middle of the living room, bathroom, kitchen… Ok. That one’s really hard for me. Mostly because I can rarely stay standing.
9. Use a mirror.
Whether it’s to see your expression or see what you do from a different perspective, this one is HELLA enlightening. Took me a minute to be comfortable. Super fun. Whoa, I had no idea I looked like that from that angle! Kinda hot. Kinda gross. Sexy. Weird. Never doing that again. Ha! I love my orgasm face! Can’t wait to have buddy sex in front of a mirror. Wow the lighting in here is bad. Don’t be shy. No one knows you’re doing it. Except me. I totally know. And I love it so you’re cool.
10. Press your feet into a wall or into each other.
Does fun things to that sensation circuit I was talking about earlier. I’d describe it as grounding to the muscles in your ass, hips, quads and hamstrings but I’m no professional. Try it yourself.
11. Don’t wait until you’re about to lose your damn mind with horniness.
Think of it as approaching your body first, instead of the other way around. I mean, you are the boss after all and you have to at least kind of enjoy your body for it to work. Showers and getting dressed are where I surprise myself the most. I say, ‘Pussy, you’re the coolest’ quickly followed by ‘Ooop, guess I know where this is going.’ This is also a nice exercise for partnered sex because not everyone wants to have sex at the same time all the time. Sometimes you say no and sometimes you do it because you like him or her. It’s a nice reminder that just because I’m not ripping off my clothes and panting heavily it doesn’t mean that I can’t get there and have a nice time on the way.Try initiating self or partner sex without being turned on. Just try it. It’s a bonding thing. It’s an affection thing. Go down that path together or with yourself more slowly than you’re comfortable with. We spend a lot of time trying to jump in and out of our heightened state of arousal like we’re jumping a train. Slow your shit down, yo. (More advice of my own I should take)12. Fantasizer? Porn fan?That’s great. I love it. Every once in awhile empty your mind and be aware that you are the one giving yourself pleasure. You don’t actually need anyone else to get there, whether physically or in your mind. When you know you can take care of yourself and learn about your body, you reinforce that you can do that for others. Trust that your body will show you everything you need to know.Movement on the path to mastery of masturbation… And isn’t it kind of hot to think of your (next) lover as someone who is patient and familiar with his or her own pleasure? (Whew fanning myself) Puts kind of an ease into it, eh? So be that fresh air. Much better than having to stare at a picture of Penelope Cruz, for christ’s sake.It’s June and I just want to be naked all the time!
I pray you feel the same birds and bees ridiculousness. Sweet and heavy. Like a few things I can think of.
Get at it.
Re-posted with permission by Paula Creevy.