Masturbate Like a Grown- Up
How long have you been masturbating (loosely defined as it changes through time- touching, squishing, rubbing, pinching, humping, fantasizing, wiggling, woogling, shuddering…)? At least ten or fifteen years if you’re in my age bracket, I hope. How much else in your life do you have ten to fifteen years of experience doing? Going to school? Making sandwiches? Shaving your legs? What do you have to show for it? A HELLA ingrained routine that you are more loyal to than your brand of soda? Yea sure, I bet you didn’t say that…
I dunno about you, but I don’t really have any bragging rights regarding school and although I am a legit sandwich artist and can shave my legs in 13 seconds, I’m quite certain the most magical of these is making myself moan and gasp and my head spin and my voice murmur or giggle or roar and my muscles spasm… I’m just saying. When was the last time a sandwich did that? Nobody better say anything about avocado. I’m serious. You damn avocado- obsessives need to learn. Yes, it’s ‘nature’s butter’. I get that. You know what else is nature’s butter?Ah hahahaha. Just settin’ yall up.I bring up Masturbation Part Two (Mastery) because it’s just one of those things. Just because you’re the only one (required) to attend, doesn’t mean it should be the graham cracker of sexy time desserts. I can’t say this enough.
So the last time I talked about twiddling your own dials I mentioned the gag- inducing image of jiggling the bed in a dark room with your blankets pulled up to your neck and your eyes squeezed shut. (I just gave myself the heebies- really, and then I made that sound that’s like a combination of hacking and laughing. The dogs look worried.) If you feel like channeling your inner thirteen year old, then by all means rock the move like you never left junior high. If, on the other hand, you have better manners, better self- confidence, you can spell, drive a car, order a drink and your mother doesn’t make your lunch, don’t you think your other skills would comparably improve? Do you still yell ‘eewwwwwwwwww’ when people talk about ‘flicking the bean’ or draw penises on your binder, screeching and blushing when people accuse you of doing it? No? No one has drawn a penis on your binder lately? No one has accused you of masturbation (oh the horror) in what, like a decade?
THEN GET WITH THE PROGRAM. Or just give me a piece of paper. I’ll draw a big veiny one and you can regress all you like.
And also. You. Totally. Fucking. Do. It.
To that a grown up should say, ‘Hell yes I do and I know all sorts of delightful things about my body and what I like and what I fantasize about depending on my mood and how to move quickly and how to take forever and how to breathe and how to move all these fun sensations around in my body and and and…’
Because if that’s not healthy, I don’t know what is. Plus, we have all sorts of little people in our lives who, while we obviously don’t need to be announcing specifics about our sexuality, can ABSOLUTELY intuit our attitude about pleasure and body- mastery. Pleasure we can teach as either naughty or nice and body mastery is our ability to teach SKILLS in things like being able to figure out feeling safe climbing that big ladder on the playground all the way to security saying ‘I don’t like that’ or ‘don’t touch me’. It includes not only safety but comfort and pleasure as well. You’ll understand if you’ve ever felt protective of another person, big or little, that basically all you could want for them is that they know what makes them feel good, can recognize when they feel safe or not, and how to stand up for themselves.
Moving on. Mainly I just really don’t want you to be cursed with a middle- schooler’s level of sexuality (which is what it should be; they’re figuring out all sorts of weird shit, but just think about what happened in the realm of breasts alone…) any more than I want a middle schooler to absorb from the grown ups in their clan that what they’re experiencing is about as rich and juicy and interesting as it’s ever going to get, not to mention the lack of clarity around good and bad- but- everyone- does- it oh god! No wonder they’re awkward lunatics.
The other day I ended up on the floor of my shower, wasting water, laughing my ass off because what I had just felt was so freaking phe-no-me-nal. Let me tell you, it was NOT minty scalp tingle. I’m twenty-six, ok? That was a new orgasm. It was different, also, from the other other new one I had a couple weeks ago. My twelve year old self would have been mortified.
It would be creepy if she wasn’t.
But I’m not twelve. And neither are you, I hope. If you are, I really am quite uncomfortable with your choice of reading material.
I remember the first time it occurred to me to try a different position than the one I had been using since I was in love with Ryan and Taylor and Aaron and that one dude who was really badass but was always holding hands with Jenny… yes, if you think I’m trying to gross you out, you’d be right. I’m trying to gross you right out of childish self- sex. But I get it. It took me a long time to even bother shifting things around (damn you, muscle memory) and after that an even longer time to get any worthwhile results. I felt like frickin’ Tiger Woods and putting.
It’s been years, one kinky lover and a lot of patience but new and weird and different things continue to happen all the time; each with a new thing to teach me. What a lovely meditation, right? Much better than that jostling huffle puff many of us are far too well acquainted with.
Actually, don’t bother with the meditation or ‘stuff to teach me’ shit. That’s all just afterglow anyway. Stay right in your body. Touch, breathe and STAY THERE. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. Don’t think. Breathe. I’m serious. It sounds like mediation but pretend it’s not. That would be over- thinking. What a simple miracle. Truly, breathing may have been the kicker that freed me from my muscle memory masturbation prison. I don’t even remember doing much at all except listening to myself breathe and holy shit what a sweet surprise unraveled there…
Ohhhh I have so much more to tell you! So many lovely ideas! But first. Perhaps do your same ol’ same ol’ if you must, but this time be sure that A) you aren’t holding your breath and B) you continue to breathe and can hear yourself for the duration.
Next time we’ll narrow in a bit more… you may even get a few exercises to try…
As always, if you have something to spill, ask or critique, please email or comment and if you know people who could use a little sexy- time advice, share the blog!!
Re-posted with permission by Paula Creevy.