Recently a dear friend of mine asked if I would coach him on how to talk dirty in bed. This friend is a gorgeous, sensual, adoring man with a gentle demeanor. He’s artful in his craft as a tantra practitioner and is devoted to the sacredness of sexual energy. He didn’t want to feel awkward or embarrassed the first time out of the starting gate.
At first, I felt totally inadequate to help because dirty talk is not a turn on for me; neither vocalize it myself or hear it from my partner. The sex educator in me thought that sharing this would be the first step in the coaching process. The following is what I thought would help him best:
There are some of us who feel like idiots talking dirty because it is not a language we are comfortable with. Others turn up the heat and passion by exclaiming such “dirty niceties” in bed. What ever floats your boat is all good with me. My best advice is to be authentic to who you are as a lover. That’s the real turn on.
To my friend and who wanted to add this flavor of spice into his lovemaking, I suggested he think of it as learning a new skill. Start slow and experiment. If you are uncomfortable using filthy language or parroting the porn stars, then don’t do it. Don’t force yourself or pretend to be someone your not in order to utter the dirty words. Doing so is like throwing a cold bucket of water on a roaring fire. After all, it’s not really about the words you say; it’s the attitude, enthusiasm and energy behind them that makes the impact.
Say what feels good to you in the moment. What sensations have your attention? What sensation is bringing you the most pleasure and where are you feeling it? Use your own words, not those crafted by someone else to say “I love it when you ______” or “I love doing ______ to you because ______.” You fill in the blanks. Another good way to bring words into the bedroom is to notice your partner’s turn on and compliment them on that. Let them know that their turn on is heating up yours.
If you are still uncomfortable using dirty talk, realize that there’s a lot of noiseless sex happening in far too many bedrooms. We’re afraid the neighbors will hear us, that we’ll wake the kids, or perhaps embarrass ourselves when shrieking with sheer delight. Simply making noise is edgy enough for some. Try purring, grunting, snorting, moaning, growling, or breathing loudly and deeply. Our sounds are primal and can return us to a more animalistic state of pleasure and passion.
There are many benefit to making noise and sound in the bedroom. First, they let our partner know what we’re feeling and experiencing. We can communicate what we like, love and REALLY LOVE through the pitch in our voice and volume of our sound. Being vocal (whether through words or sounds) also stimulates the vagus nerve. The vagus nerve enhances our experience of orgasm. That’s reason enough for me to start howling!
Keep it simple as you build your confidence and repertoire. Enjoy yourself, be playful and ask for feedback to see what your partner likes. It’s about pleasure and sensation. Uttering sound and dirty talk is edgy. Remember, however, it is often as we dance along the edge of the cliff that we experience the greatest views.