There are three ingredients that are present at every great lovemaking experience, this article picks them apart one-by-one and delivers action steps so you can integrate them consciously into your sex, making it even more delicious and authentic!
The First C of Meaningful Sex:Center with Your Essence
Center means knowing your Self at your core, at your deepest essence. It is who you are without doing anything at all. It is you in your natural state. The IFS Model (Internal Family Systems Therapy Model) describes the qualities of this state as curious and compassionate.
If you are not feeling curious and compassionate, you are not in Center. Simple as that!
The Center of your being is a place inside of you where your highest wisdom dwells. It is the mind set from which you can access your good nature, your childlike curiosity, and spiritual compassion.
It is not about being un-emotional or zen-like to the extreme, it is when you are within your own experience and witnessing it within the larger picture of your life at the same time.
The single most important thing you can do for your relationship and your sex is to Center; to stay in this present moment with your whole self. By increasing your presence and awareness, and bringing that most essential part of you to your lovemaking, you will directly increase the level of pleasure and sensation you are able to feel – because you are there to feel it.
Presence is power, and power in sex allows more spaciousness to explore, create and get curious. And that is hot!
Begin by closing your eyes and taking ten deep breaths, relaxing your shoulders and stomach deeper with each exhale. At the end of ten breaths, open your eyes and simply notice how many minutes you can stay in this relaxed state before something takes your attention or your mind begins to wander (don’t be discouraged! When I first started this practice, I made it all of about 30 seconds!)
Try to do this numerous times a day, each time attempting to beat your previous time. Make it a game! Be sure to laugh at yourself along the way!
The Second C of Meaningful Sex: Connect with your Partner
Connection is part of the human experience – part of what is so sweet, and sometimes painful, about being alive. Connecting to your partner, to another body and soul in a deep and meaningful way is the whole point of intimate sex!
This doesn’t mean you have to be all flowy about it – you can have meaningful sex that involves spanking and nipple clamps. Connecting is, simply, the moment which your Centered Being fully engages with another.
Connection is what creates the container of safety, acceptance, ultimate approval and rightness with your lover. Without this connection, and depending on individual upbringing and/or wounding, we sometimes give away our power in exchange for love and acceptance.
This can look like co-dependency, obsession, neglect, and so on. The ability to connect deeply, and from a place of Center, takes the intimacy you already have with your partner to a whole new level.
There are many paths to deep connection. One of my favorites is through beauty and attention.
First, do the centering exercise outlined on the previous section; make sure you are relaxed and curious about your surroundings. Next, look around and begin to observe simple factoids.
For example, there are four chairs, there is one green basket, this cushion is soft on my bum. Then, find something that is beautiful to you in this moment and give your full attention to it. This process of beauty and attention generates a pathway to intimacy that is irresistible for both the observer and observed.
A simple way to practice is outside the bedroom. When you are having breakfast together, or talking with your children, take an internal pause – like, ten seconds – and see what is striking and attractive about this moment.
Is it the sunlight coming through the window? Or the way your child smirks? Notice, and then direct your full attention to that thing that draws your awe. Write, draw, or say the thing you find beautiful. Capture the moment in some way. By sharing it you will connect with your partner.
The Third C for Meaningful Sex: Communicate with Your Spouse
What is Communication? Is it the way we speak, or our body language? Is it the way we touch?
You can communicate desire with a glance, or anger with a tone. Communication is anything that sends or receives messages. There are infinite languages beyond speech. It is important to mention that Communicating is a two way street. You cannot “communicate” by yourself – who would you be talking to? This is why connecting first is so important, because you need someone to communicate with!
Communicating from your truth, your Center, will create immediate intimacy and enrich the quality of sexual connection. This is because you are communicating from a place inside of you that is vulnerable and authentic.
One language you can use to maintain intimacy is the language of needs. This language communicates on a very basic level and allows partners to listen to what the other is actually saying beyond words.
Tapping into needs puts our bodies in resonance with a vulnerable part of our selves and, you guessed it, generates more intimacy.
After you have Centered and Connected, sit facing a partner or someone who is willing to practice with you. Look into their eyes and allow yourself to breathe fully into your belly. Relax and just sit facing one another for a few moments.
Ask yourself internally, “What do I need to feel even closer?” Voice your need to your partner. Try to focus on the feeling quality and use 5 to 7 words. Begin the sentence with “I need.”
For example; “I need to feel safe” or “I need to hold you in my arms”
Connecting in physical ways and using specific language to communicate with your spouse will enhance your pleasure – guaranteeing that you experience longer doses of it!
Bringing it Together in the Bedroom (and Beyond!)
Remember, this isn’t a regimented checklist with a rigorous time limit. These are simply the essential ingredients for you to cook up some delicious sex. Just like a recipe, at first you may need to follow the structure and it could take any where from nine seconds to a whole day. But, eventually you will be able to rely on these tools with conscious competency.
Always center first. You don’t always have to BE in center but you DO need to be aware of where you are in your internal landscape. Are you feeling checked out? Or addictive? It’s all okay, it’s just different paint brushes to create art from.
Acknowledging what internal state you are residing in before you approach your partner in any sexual way, will actually increase the intimacy because you will be asking for an authentic connection.
Connecting with what IS in the moment and with your lover is essential to great lovemaking. There are higher and higher levels of connection that you have your whole relationship to explore.
Connecting creates the container for lovemaking to follow effortlessly. When done with intention of the heart, your entire being can be present, engaged with your lover, and experiencing wave upon wave of orgasm.
By first Centering and Connecting, you can then Communicate what is real and authentic for you in this moment. What you need and what you desire will come from a deep wellspring and generate continuous pleasure. Express these excitements without attachment and I guarantee you will get different results!
You might be thinking… I already do these things with my partner! And I will confirm that, to some degree, you do. The real question, then, is what is next for you? What level are you currently residing in? What level do you want to be?
To help answer some of these questions, I have a game for you. Want to play?
The game only has two rules;
- Do not take anything personal and do not make anything personal.
- Let every thought in your mind be spoken out of your mouth in real time.
For the entire course of your sexual turn on, from the tiniest spark to the dying embers, say it all. Everything you are feeling and thinking, every desire, what you want and how you want it. Notice, where are you enjoying yourself immensely? Where do you get a little stuck? Go on, give it a try, you might surprise yourself!
Remember, there is always room to grow, some new height of pleasure to explore. The sexual universe is at your fingertips! This is just the beginning.
This guest blog was written by one of our 2013 Beyond the Bedroom presenters: Christin Myrick. We are very excited to see what she has to offer to our attendees.